SPOLIER ALERTS .... are expired

If you haven't read H.G. Wells' books "The Invisible Man (1897)" and "The War of the Worlds" (1898) then fair warning, there will be complete and total spoilers for those books in this article. Also though, those books are like 125 years old, so...

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WHAT'S A "PORTMANTEAU"? 💼

Never until reading a bunch of H.G. Wells stories did I realize the word "portmanteau" has multiple meanings. Probably the one you're most familiar with is the first definition given by Webster's dictionary, which is a kind of word mash-up like "smog" or "cosplay":

Webster's Dictionary defines "portmanteau" two ways. Below is the first defintiion:

For example, "cosplay" is derived from "costume" and "playing" a fictional character.

On the other hand, the kind of "portmanteau" H.G. Wells thought you should own is apparently different I found out. It's a kind of leathery old style of luggage. Like an actual physical item that his characters always seem to be carrying when fleeing ANYTHING. This is the kind of "portmanteau" referred to in the second definition given by Webster's and further elaborated on by Wikipedia:

Here is Webster's second definition of "portmanteau." Bascially a big suitcase.

Here is Wikipedia's explanation, which further describes it as a specific kind of "big suitcase" that folds into two parts. You basically carry it with a handle, or a strap over your shoulders.

Below is an image from Wikipedia of what I assume is a typical Portmanteau from around the time H.G. Well's wrote his most famous books:

Below is my rendering of a portmanteau, looking way more modern, friendly and cute I think...

...yes, way cuter!

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WHY H.G. THINKS YOU NEED ONE 💼

Well... I might be stretching the story a bit here, but reading between the lines---wow, did H.G. Wells characters have a lot of portmanteaus! Especially when fleeing from danger. And I'm not just talking about the most famous of his books "The War of the Worlds." No, in fact, portmanteaus come up in many H.G. Wells books and short stories.

If you read the man's fiction, there simply can be no doubt:

H.G. WELLS WAS A STRONG PROPONENT OF PORTMANTEAU OWNERSHIP! 💼

Below are just a couple of reasons why H.G. Wells thought everyone should have an emergency portmanteau packed and ready to go!

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1. Fleeing from aliens👽

"The War of the Worlds" was H.G. Wells most famous book. It inspired movies and radio broacasts. It even scared some people into thinking the earth really was under attack from Mars, with an overly realistic radio adapation in 1938. If you don't know what I'm talking about there, that's an entirely different topic I encourage you to explore on your own: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_the_Worlds_(1938_radio_drama)

The book depicts a seemingly innocous alien landing from "Martians" that, AT FIRST, has folks initially curious and excited. The landing "crater" becomes a popular tourist destination. Kind of something where today, people would go and take selfies 😎 and post them online saying something like "i'm at the alien landing site!"

Of course, that all goes really bad, really fast. These mechanized alien brain creatures eventually come out of the landing crater. What a twist! 😲 Quickly leading to the consumption of humans (specifically for their blood) and on a massive scale too. The humans try to fight back, but are summarily defeated everywhere and everytime. It looks like humanity is destined to be food! But yay, no! Humanity is saved thanks to... COVID?! Sort of...

At least there's something good to say about viruses. Apparently the mecha-brain monsters never developed an immune system. So every bacteria and virus that humans are all good with by now, they just wrecked those little mecha-brain monsters and ate THEM up after a little while. So basically all the Martians who landed on earth die from the common cold. Sounds like justice to me. Maybe those little cold viruses could have done it a little bit faster---before all those hundreds of thousands of people were killed and eaten---but hey, beggers can't be choosers. Humanity won! 💪(for now at least...👽)

Below is the original cover for the first edition book of "The War of the Worlds" (1898)
The original book is full of illustrations like this cover photo, that help bring the story to life!

So where do portmanteaus come in? Seemingly everywhere. For example in Chapter 12, titled WHAT I SAW OF THE DESTRUCTION OF WEYBRIDGE AND SHEPPERTON, H.G. Wells describes a scene in which our narrator is caught up in a crowd of panic-stricken civilians trying to flee. A man in the fleeing crowd is carrying what? A portmanteau of course 💼 He smashes it right into our narrator, in the middle of all the panic. So rude. Luckily our narrator is the "stiff-upper-lip" type, and keeps his wits about him regardless.

Below is an excerpt from H.G. Wells' "The War of the Worlds":

What is H.G. trying to tell us here? Here's how I picture it:

"Well chaps, obviously the portmanetau is the way to go. Have one packed in case of alien invasion. More than just than leathery tough, it's also durable and carries just enough supplies and clothes to escape quickly, but not so much that it tires you out while running away like this big trunk would.

Also, please maintain proper portmanteau dignity and etiquette during your flee 🙏 Like, if you're running in the middle of a fleeing crowd of people, remain polite and courteous. Keep an eye on where you swing your portmanteau. Certainly don't smash it into other people. Just make sure it stays within your OWN zone of personal space, and you'll be fine 👽 (probably)" - H.G. Wells, 1902.

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2. Fleeing from police👮‍♀

In a very jarring opening scene from H.G. Wells' "The Invisible Man" we immediately learn that the Invisble Man travels how? You know it. Portmanteau-style 💼

Like literally, in the very first opening scene, we have a "stranger" show up at a country-side inn. It's in the the middle of winter, when generally no one visits the inn, so the inn-keeper is willing to put up with the stranger's rude attitude at first. The Invisble Man slams down his portmanteau on the table, right in front of dear Mrs. Hall. How rude.

H.G. was clearly signalling to the reader that this man is fleeing from something. What could it be?

Below is an excerpt from the opening scene of H.G. Well's "The Invisble Man":

The reader doesn't know this yet, but you might be able to tell just from that rude interaction. The Invisible Man is not the nicest dude. Actually, he's done some pretty horrible stuff with his invisibility. Let's just say, the Invisible Man didn't pack his portmanteau for a relaxing fun vacation get-away! No, he was, of course, fleeing!

Fleeing from what? THE LAW 👮‍♀

Why? Because he comitted some srsly bad crimes. He's not done either. By the end Chapter 1, you're still thinking he might be an okay dude. Maybe he just needs some antidepressants and general emotional support. But yeah, no. If you finish the book, you will be disillusioned of that. The dude needs to be in jail. But how do you catch an invisible man?! Antics ensue, including much more crime and violence on the part of the Invisible Man 🤓

So then, what is H.G. trying to tell us here? Here's how I picture it:

"The meaning is so clear, I'm suprised I have to explain it. If you're a dastardly villan who is being chased down by the law for committing srsly horrible crimes, then have a portmanetau packed just in case. You never know when it might come in handy for running away to snow-covered, lonely country inns. The trunk is just too heavy and too conspicuous and noticeable for a proper flee. Also again, I must stress, being polite with your portmanteau is absolutely critical. Don't be rude and slam it all around everywhere...

...look at the Invisible Man for example. The only reason he gets caught, all starts from one interaction with a "handy man" for the Inn. Invisible Man is super rude, and the handy man tells his policeman friend about the weirdo who won't uncover his face at the out-of-the-way country Inn. It all goes bad from there for the Invisble Man. The lessons are clear." - H.G. Wells, 1905.

So again, if you're fleeing from the police for things like burglary, theft, assault and murder, etc., remain polite and courteous with your get-away portmanteau please 🙏 Don't smash your portmanteau down and don't be rude to people. Just keep calm, don't smash your portmanteua into any person or any objects, and you'll be fine 👮‍♀ (probably)

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There are so many references to portmanteau ownership in the other HUNDREDS of books and short stories that H.G. Wells wrote. I encourage you to read some and comment back here with more portmanteau eggs if you find them. I also encourage you, please 🙏 go out a buy a portmanteau at your local luggage store today. Have it packed and ready for emergency get-aways, just like H.G. taught us.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION IN THE COMMENTS

1. 👽 If aliens landed on earth, what you do in the very first 24 hours? Would you want to go see them with your own eyes? Would you panic and flee? Where would you go if you fled and what would you take with you? Or would you stay home and watch videos of it on tik-tok, and just hope it's all a big hoax like The War of the Worlds radio broadcast back in 1938? What you would do.

2. 🤓 If you were invisble, and a nice person, what GOOD things would you do with the power of invisibility? Are there any "good" things to do with that power? It seems like most applications of "invisible-ness" lend themselves more towards doing BAD things. So maybe the Invisible Man never really had a chance to be good? I'd be interested to know if anyone can think of GOOD things you'd do with the power of invisibility...

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