The Partygoer (Short Story)

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(Edited)

Sloni Onnan was following the rest of the crowd out of the venue. Well, to say it was a venue was giving it a lot of credit. The building was actually an old abandoned factory on the west side of the city of Vorta. The West was synonymous with being a mostly derelict wasteland, it was sometimes given the nickname "The Westland," while this area was filled with derelict buildings - an old memory of a time long lost when it was a thriving industrial district - there were still many that called this place home and made the most of it.


Source

It was the closest you could get to The Dead Zone: An area full of bomb-blasted buildings, rich in twisted steel and wrecked vehicles; a grim reminder of what Vorta was, before the war.

The lawless nature and carefree spirit of this post-war world was now just a faded memory. Peacekeepers weren't law dealers, they were mercenaries; hell-bent on corralling anyone that stepped outside the realm of order. They were paid by the state and were the closest thing to a police force the world of Jex knew.

Individual freedoms and civil liberties were being encroached on every day. While they did help to lower the crime rate, they weren't exactly light-handed when it came to regular citizens looking to unwind. They tended to lump everyone into one group and dubbed them all criminals.

The plug had been pulled on the music abruptly, causing Stimulator - the masked icon - to be escorted from the main hall, leaving behind only the most unnecessary pieces of equipment.


Time was distorted now; it seemed to take forever to get through the main hall and to the dim corridors that led outside. The heat in the midst of the crowd was unbearable; feeling as though he was going to pass out from the lack of breath. He probably would have, if it wasn't for the cool gusts of wind occasionally blowing his way.

A flash of an idea flickered into his mind. He was inside a living creature. One cell in a greater organism. A beast separated into multiple bodies. Squashed on all sides by people, drenched in sweat, his own and that of the others surrounding him. Sloni didn't want to leave. No, he wanted to carry on being cradled by the maw.

In any other circumstance. In any other mental state. The thought of being crammed into a confined space with only strangers would sicken him. Especially being drenched in their sweat and inhaling their body odor. Not now though, it felt like they were all in this together. Like they were all one.



Source

The moment his section of the mob reached the exit, he could see spotlights from above. Peacekeeper ships. Calling commands down from on high. "Disperse immediately. Anyone who remains in the area will be detained as trespassers." The voice from above warned.

Instantly, the crowd dispersed and the feelings of togetherness fleeted. He wasn't together, he was alone; standing in the centre of a wide open space. One truly, where once there were many.

Waves of hot air came from the transporters and blasted him from above. It was perfect, especially when mixed with the occasional cool breeze. The running screaming chaos of everyone in the area, mixed with the engines of the vehicles made for a chorus of its own. Sloni was mezmerised; feeling like he was the only one who could hear it. He started moving, once he made sense of a pattern; as soon as the rhythm of it was discovered he was able to get lost properly.

Then he felt himself being latched onto. Someone else discovered the music.

Through closed eyes, he could see a figure; a smiling shadow person who got so close that Sloni was afraid they would both collide. He opened his eyes and no one was there, but he could still feel a hand on his shoulder.

"Sloni, come on, we have to leave!" He could hear shouting in his ear, and turned to see a familiar face, albeit, distorted slightly from all the excitement of the night. It was his friend, Elin Naru. "Elin, don't panic, I figured it out," Sloni said while swaying. "There's no time for that, come on!" She tried to drag him away, but they both staggered and landed in a heap on the ground.

"It's part of the show. This is Stimulator." He said while watching the transports overhead. "No, it isn't you idiot. We have to leave." She argued while scrambling to get up.

"Stay on the ground and keep your hands in view!" A Trisken shouted. Sloni could tell it was a Trisken by the sound of his voice; the distinct hiss that came out in some of its words.

It was wearing full battle armour, and looked more like a machine than anything else. Sloni looked up, to see it was flanked by a small group in the same gear. The reality of his situation sank in when he saw they all had weapons drawn.


Leaning against the wall of the transport ship, along with all the other partygoers, Sloni looked at the other detainees.

"Come on, come on." One of them muttered to themself while reaching for something. "Yes." They lightly exclaimed, while sitting back down properly. "Here, any of you want some Haze?" The person asked through gritted teeth, to which, most of the ship stayed quiet. "Come on, I don't want to get caught with it when they take us in."

"Sure, why not." He felt Elin nudge him, but it was too late. The moving transport ship made his steps unstable. Having his hands restrained behind his back made it awkward to move, but he managed it. The other person stood up, holding the haze pack behind him.

It was an awkward placement for it, Sloni didn't like how close to his backside the Haze pack was. Instead of mentioning it, he bent down, wrapped his mouth around the inhaler, and was blasted with the murky brown vapor; which left a metallic taste in his mouth.

He made it back to his seat beside Elin, and she gave him a look of disbelief, shaking her head while he stared back at her.

Time stood still. He could see every pore in her face and then focused on one strand of her hair flickering with the movement of the transport ship. Then he could feel the vibrations of the engines, coursing up through his feet and rattling all through his body; almost seeing every cell in himself shake in unison with it.

"You've got Haze juice on your face." She said, and Sloni buried himself in her jacket. Feeling every fiber of the cloth rubbing against him and colliding with every stray hair in his stubble. The crunch it made was so loud that it overpowered every other bit of noise.

"Get off! It's bad enough you basically sucked Haze out of a stranger's ass, but now you're wiping it off on me!" She loudly complained but in a jovial and slightly carefree tone.

The entire transport erupted into fits of laughter after that comment, and nobody could maintain a straight face, least of all the one dishing out the Haze, who seemed to play into that idea while distributing the rest of it.



Source

Sloni blanked out for the rest of the trip but was left with a recollection of happiness. Those general feelings of joy were long gone though.

Now, he was in a dim room, with a Doshan sitting in front of him asking questions. A uniformed man, with an expression that said he smelled something awful. He had a green tinge to his skin and its fleshy antennae pulsed and twitched occasionally.

"You're in a lot of trouble, you know that?" He said in a deflated tone. "What? Is partying a crime?" Sloni retorted while staring at the Doshans antenna. "Yes, when the event is taking place without a permit, insurance, and on private property without permission, it is a crime."

Sloni shook his head to that. "No, I wasn't there. I passed by and looked in to see what was going on." The Doshan rolled his eyes. "So, you admit that you were at an illegal event." "No, I was on my way home."

"Have you consumed any illegal substances tonight?" "No. I haven't, fresh air and joy are all I need." Sloni lied. "You should try it sometime."

The Doshan peacekeeper started typing. "Okay, so you admit to using Joy. Street slang for compound B-267." Sloni shook his head. "No, why are you writing that? I meant joy the feeling, not the drug. Stop typing."

"Where did you hear about the party?" "I didn't hear about it. I saw it advertised on the extra-net." "Okay, so you were there and you were lying." "No, I wasn't lying, I wasn't there," Sloni said in a distant tone. "We caught you there. At the very least you were trespassing, obstructing a crime scene, taking illegal substances, and lying to a law enforcer. Anything else?"

Sloni lowered his head in defeat. "Look, I'm sorry, I know this seems bad, but it's not that bad. You could be out there stopping real criminals, you know?"

The Doshan stood up with that and looked toward the door. "Get him back to the holding cell and bring in the next one!"


The rose-tinted sun of Jex was in full glow, as the pink morning rays came through the holding cell window.

Sloni was drifting between being awake and asleep, staring at the wall, with Elin resting her head on his shoulder. The place was overcrowded, and all the people around them looked as bad as he felt.

"Sloni Onnan, and Elin Naru, you're free to go. You'll receive word of your sentence in the next few days. Refusal to answer will lead to full detainment, decided upon by the district Deemster, and I'll tell you now, the Deemster of West Vorta doesn't treat non-attendees lightly."

Now outside, staggering home together Sloni was silent, while he tried to ignore the occasional stares they got from passers.

"I can't believe we got detained over that," Elin said distantly. "I know, over what? Going to a party. Before they came along it was actually a pretty good night." Sloni replied, with a bit more chirp in his voice than he thought he could muster.

"Don't think I'll be going to another Stimulator event," Elin said. "I would, I'd go right now if one was on." Elin shoved Sloni as he finished speaking.

He could only laugh in response to her attempt to shut him up.



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16 comments
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It will be a shame if this is the onlu time you visit these characters and world.
The edge of society feel of the piece is terrific and interactions between Sloni & friend & investigator read well.

For me it needs an edit to trim out some excess wording, and it doesnt work as a stand alone short story.

That being said, I'd be interested in reading more.

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Thanks so much for your comment and feedback on this story, it was about 300 words longer and I edited it down to what it is, and also feel that it's still a bit too long. I'm going to get back to it and see if I can trim more of the middle portion of it because I feel it could be a bit more condensed.

I think I might cut out the trip in the transport section, I do like that bit though so it's kind of tough. It is far too big though.

Don't worry, it's not the only time we'll visit this world. Every piece of fiction I write is in the same world and I've been using these short stories to explore more of it, through the eyes and perspectives of one-off characters; I like to write these stand-alone short stories as a way of practicing writing in different voices and having the freedom write about different situations and problems people can encounter.

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This is a breathtaking tale of connection in the midst of a wasteland; the words you choose here are impactful and beautifully strung together! We float off the page into this world, where everything from the sounds to the scents are accounted for. Masterful, immersing, and bold; a true gem. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and for your thoughtful engagement with other members of the community.

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Thank you so much for this amazing comment! I'm so glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it; I have an itchy feeling that I'd like to tweak it a little, but overall I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

I found Sloni an interesting person to write for, with his random blankouts. I was going for a disorientating feeling, which I think kind of works.

Sorry for the delayed response, and thanks again.

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YES!! You gave me chills as Sloni walked down the hallway, and again when he did the butt drugs !LOLZ 😅🤣 That's seriously so wicked talented, to write something moving proceeding such a funny scene... You're the man! I absolutely loved this story, it's so wildly multidimensional... Connection not only in spite of chaos, but maybe even because of it. I really think with just a spot of editing, it would be accepted into a magazine. Killing it 🔥😎

Thanks for the awesome read brother! !LUV !PIZZA

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Wow, that's so nice of you to say, I read this comment yesterday and was shocked about the magazine comment. I never actually thought of that before and have been looking up some places to submit some short stories too, I think it would be great for some exposure.

I really enjoyed writing for him and trying to give the story a disorientating feeling was a challenge but kind of cool.

I loved that transport section and laughed about the ass Haze sucking !LOLZ I was actually thinking of cutting that scene to bring the length down a bit.

Also, yeah you're right. I'm not 100% on it yet and am going to/ have been, editing it a bit just to clean some things up and help with clarity where it's needed.

Thank you so much for your comment! Also, I read your part 1 for the Dreem challenge, creative court, I didn't get a chance to comment but will tonight hopefully. It was wacky, off the wall, and great!

!PIZZA !PGM

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I was thoroughly engrossed in the world you created. Your use of descriptive language really transported me to this dystopian, post-apocalyptic city, and I found myself getting caught up in the chaos and excitement of the party scene.

I was particularly struck by the way you conveyed Sloni's disorientation and sense of being overwhelmed by the crowd, and then the sudden shift to feeling alone and vulnerable in the face of the peacekeepers. The way you portrayed the loss of civil liberties and individual freedoms in this society was also very effective.

Your story was well-written and engaging. Keep up the good work!

Happy to be !ALIVE

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(Edited)

Thank you so much for the amazing comment! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I found Sloni to be a fun character to write for and trying capture his feelings in that situation, while intoxicated was a challenge, but I think the scene breaks helped to feel like we were skipping time. Also, Elin was a fun companion for him to have, clearly a bit more level headed, but not by far.

I still want to do a wee bit of editing here and there just to really tighten it up, because I have an itchy feeling about this one that it isn't quiet finished, but that's natural.

Thank's again for the encouragement!

!PIZZA !HUG

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It's always fun to write characters with distinct personalities and quirks, and it sounds like Sloni and Elin are quite a dynamic duo. It's great that you were able to convey Sloni's intoxicated state effectively through the use of scene breaks, as it can be difficult to capture that type of feeling in writing. It's important to have characters who balance each other out and provide an interesting contrast, so Elin's level-headedness is likely a great counterbalance to Sloni's wilder side.
It's great to hear that you enjoyed writing this story and that you're pleased with the positive feedback you received. It's common for writers to feel like their work is unfinished or could use some polishing, so don't worry about that feeling. It's always good to go back and edit your work to make it even better. Keep up the good work and keep writing!

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